Assets
by Insane Troll Logic
Summary: In which frog DNA gives Alec boobs.


**Title:** Assets  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Disclaimer:** This is by no means mine. I'm just playing   
**Summary: **In which frog DNA gives Alec boobs. (For the challenge on the LJ community da_halloween)  
**Author's note**: You know what holiday I love nearly as much as Halloween? APRIL FOOLS DAY! HAVE SOME CRACK!FIC

* * *

**Assets**

The first things Alec notices are the boobs.

They're nice boobs. Not huge, but nicely shaped and firm. Only Alec has never seen boobs from quite this angle before. He turns over in bed, one of his practiced maneuvers always able to get a girl going, only his hand lands on the empty sheets. Which isn't good because there are definitely boobs in this bed.

He grabs the left boobs from the unnatural, awkward and gives it a squeeze.

"Oh, no," he moans. "You have got to be freaking kidding me."

* * *

So apparently Alec's a girl now and isn't that just what he gets for hanging around Max 24/7. He manages somehow to keep from screaming bloody murder at the realization, pulls on one of his shirts that is now about a size and a half too big for him and slips into his favorite jeans only to find that he needed to tie them up with a belt.

There is something different about the place in this different body. His measured steps aren't quite so precise now and he tripped over three separate spots on Terminal City's pavement that he hadn't before. He can't look that different. The baggy clothing hides his new assets and facially, he still looks like Alec. Three separate people glance at him and mumble, "Morning, Alec," but no one stops him until Max.

"What did you do this time?" Max asks, her hands on her hips. "You've got that look."

"What look?" he squeaks and is horrified to find that his voice is not his voice anymore. It's different, a higher octave then he's used to and he would find it dead sexy if it wasn't coming out of his mouth.

"You get this look sometimes," Max explains. "This thing in your eyes when you've done something incredibly stupid and are forced to come crawling to me for help. So spit it out already."

"Max," Alec starts. "I really, really need your help."

* * *

Max doesn't stop laughing for twenty minutes and though Alec can definitely see the humor in the situation, he doesn't appreciate being the bud of the joke. If it were Sketchy to wake up with boobs that would be a different story. Hell, Alec would be scrapbooking the whole thing but this--he doesn't like this.

"Seriously," Alec says. "I woke up this morning and they were just _there._"

"I'm sorry," Max says finally collecting herself. "What were there again?"

"The boobs," Alec explains impatiently. "The boobs were there and the angle was all wrong."

Max bites her lip for a moment and then she's gone again dissolving into fits and laughter and under other circumstances, it would be a welcome site. With the year she's had, Max deserves to laugh until she cries. He opens his mouth, almost ready to tell her that but she's pointing at his chest and looks red in the face and he decides never to ever speak to her again.

* * *

So he calls Logan. Alec doesn't stop to wonder exactly when Logan became the go to guy for transgenic problem but it's been that way for a while. Mole's locked himself in the armory; go find Logan. There's a territorial dispute between the X-4s and the X-2s; Logan's the man to sort it out. They need to mount and operation to smuggle half a dozen exiled transgenics to a safer location, Logan's the one for the job.

Really, the boobs should be downright easy compare to Eyes Only's normal days.

"Kind of busy right now," Logan says over a shaky phone connection. "There any chance this can wait?"

Alec is tempted to scream into the receiver, tempted to yell _No! No this cannot fucking wait!_ but he's a trained Manticore soldier and he can't make himself misrepresent a non-fatal situation. "Yeah," Alec says. "Yeah I guess it can wait."

"You sound kind of freaked," Logan hedges. "Your voice keeps getting all squeaky. I could make it over in twenty if you're really in trouble."

Alec has a sudden picture of Logan in the midst of an Eyes Only operation, wearing a headset, surrounded by computer screens in the midst of some life or death mission. "No," he says. "No, I'm fine."

"Crash tonight then," Logan says. "Try to calm down. Whatever it is I'm sure it's something we can fix."

* * *

He decides that if he's doomed to spend the next (hours? Days? Weeks?) as a female, he's damn well going to have some fun with it. He borrows a pair of tight fitting jeans from one of the other X-5s without bothering to explain the situation and steals an extremely tight fitting t-shirt from one of the older X-6s. He borrows some make-up from Max's room and dolls himself up just the way he would like it—if he were still actually a he. His hair is still a good deal shorter than most of the transgenic females but in his own estimation, he's a jaw-dropper.

He goes to Crash by himself. Sketchy is at the bar mumbling something about how Alec gets to take a sick day when he's got the immune system of a God. Max is sitting next to him, a wide smile still plastered on his face. Alec considers sidling over to them but then he remembers that Max is his own personal devil and forgoes that idea.

There is a tap on his shoulder and a voice purrs into his ears. "Damn girl if you aren't the finest specimen I've ever seen in this bar."

Alec turns around slowly and spots the seductive curl to the lips of Original Cindy. He has a moment of complete panic because this is _Original Cindy_ but then his own face relaxes to a smile because, well, Original Cindy is hot.

Plus really, he's kind of hot too. The two of them together, that was just hotness squared.

And Alec will try anything once.

"Yeah," he says. "It's the jeans. Does wonders for an ass like that."

Original Cindy's eyes narrow.

He's blown it. How is he supposed to know how a lesbian flirts?

"Alec," she says. "Want to tell Original Cindy when you became on of the mister sistahs?"

Alec opens his mouth to answer but Original Cindy raises a hand and says, "Never mind, Original Cindy don't even want to know."

* * *

Logan sidles into the bar about two hours later. Alec can hear the squeaking of the exoskeleton even over the dull roar of the music and the drunken voices. Alec picks his way through the crowd until he's close enough to grab Logan by the shoulder.

The other man's eyes widen just a little behind his glasses and Alec notes the quick dip of the eyes that takes in the boobs and the hips. "Listen," Alec says. "You think we could get out of here?"

"I'd love to," Logan says, eyes flickering over to Max first and then over the rest of the bar and Alec has to wonder how long it's been since he got laid. "God, I'd love to but I'm actually meeting someone."

Alec punches him in the shoulder just a little harder then necessary. "Mind out of the gutter, Cale," he says in his best drill sergeant voice. "It's me! I've got a bit of a situation."

"What?" Logan pauses for a long moment and then recognition flickers past his face. "_Alec?_"

* * *

Logan doesn't laugh as they make their way back to Sandeman's. He doesn't do much of anything. Alec sits silently in the passenger's seat as Logan drives and very studiously Does Not Look at him. How the hell did him and Max make it through an entire year without airing out this kind of sexual tension? Jesus, he doesn't know if he'd last a day.

When they get to Logan's place, Alec collapses onto a sofa and Logan mumbles something about research and disappears into the next room. Which is actually the bathroom.

God that man needs to get laid.

* * *

"Frog DNA," Logan says some two hors later.

"Frog DNA?" Alec repeats.

"Frog DNA," Logan confirms, tapping the space bar on his laptop. "I've got an array of all the different animals used in Manticore genetics; cats, dogs, sharks, tigers, the works."

"And they used frogs? What the hell use are frogs?"

"There are certain species of frogs that are know to, when the biological imperative arrives, spontaneously switch genders."

"So frog DNA gave me boobs."

"Yes," Logan says with a completely straight face. "Frog DNA gave you boobs."

Alec doesn't know why he's even surprised.

* * *

Logan doesn't know how to undo it for sure but he's got an idea. Something he calls the Jurassic Park view of science and that's how Alec finds himself in the world's largest all-female transgenic slumber party.

_Saturate the environment_. Logan had said. _This mimics the initial imbalance._

_And it gets me back to normal? _Alec had asked.

_Only if we get really really obscenely lucky._

Under normal circumstances it would have been the ideal way for Alec to spend a weekend but after the two hundredth joke at his expense, he reconsiders, pulls a pillow over his head and wills himself into sleep.

* * *

The next morning something's different. He wakes up rather abruptly and gropes his own chest trying to ascertain the location of yesterday's surprises.

His chest is flat again, gently ridged with the normal physique of a Manticore soldier.

He grabs his crotch, smiles and sinks back in relief.

"Everything back to normal then?" a voice Alec doesn't recognize says from somewhere to his left.

Alec turns around to find a dark hair man sitting up next to him. He has smooth, pale skin, full lips and the barest hint of stubble on his chin.

"I'm sorry," Alec says, "but do I know you?"

"Not funny, Alec," the guy says. "It's me, Max!" She freezes. Then very slowly, she looks down. "Balls."

(end)


End file.
